I sometimes wonder, why do we need the others? Transactional relationships are more settling than unprecedented courtesy.  It makes conversations uneasy and reasons shady. I wouldn’t come to their  place, support their  cause, or promote their brand. I will do it if I am charmed by it, If I feel the thrill or infatuated by their works.

Yet as I grew, I understand I cannot be that apathetic. My father showed me through his life; I need to put myself out there, reach out others so they will vouch for me in the time of needs. That’s why I was there when they need me, I share and shout as a support, I give my best to their cause. It’s a transactional courtesy. 

Until the time comes, when I finally need them. My cause, my work, a day when I need them. And I see very few of them. Those whom I invested time and power in, people whom I gave some care, others whom I supported. I learned that courtesy are dying now. My father lived in a different time than mine. People don’t care. Even if you do. It’s the age of apathy, where everybody lives in fantasy. I have to be someone in order to reach anyone. And I am no one. Just a guy who tried to care. And decided to stop doing so now.


A cover Hedonist


As quoted from the secret life of Walter Mitty (2013)

And then she pointed out, “if your purpose in life is to seek happiness, won’t that makes you…” “HA!”

He then interrupted her sentence by dull laughter. A covert hedonist, that’s what he is. She couldn’t completely disagree that at some degree, hedonism might be a way to actually wade across the life smoothly. Sure, if pleasure and indulgent become his sole purpose of life, she would think of him as a shallow maniac, but he bears the pain as well as the pleasure, he left his comfort every now and then, and never once he neglect his life chores ad duties.

Through him, she understand. There is no life without pain, because the world itself is a deadly contraption made to capture and maim its denizen. Pleasure is temporary, hence continuous pursuit of such will only take you farther from any meaning. But through pain, one can understand happiness. Through limit, one can feel the joy of achievement. Only through tragedy, blessings can taste as sweet. Maybe he is a half Taoist, as much as he’s a hedonist. He live his days mostly in white, not because he never fell to the dark, but because he embraces the black in each light.

And so, though still uncertain, he kept his trail to find purpose. His true goal is not pleasure, but happiness as a whole. In every turn, every struck of bad luck, he put himself as a conscious suitor of life. He got mad when he needs to, he laugh as hard when the world makes so, he embrace who he is without hesitation. And for the misery he must bear, he simply finds someone to share it. Not the burden, but the story. Because at the end of the day. Happiness is about finding the right place, the right person, the right thing to do; all the things that still brings you pain, but the kind that you can actually enjoy.



Against time


The small figure tried to stand tall. His feet tremble, his body shivers, his lips frozen. He utters no word for he is the martyr chosen by the soil. Fate crept in his back, winter brews in his left fist, and he holds the light of summer in his right palm. Upon the puny man, his adversary roared. The crimson scale, wings filled the sky, flame blazes from its claw, tongue sharp as blades, yellow eyes bring incomparable terror.

The humongous beast marching slowly but sure, the man steps forward to his demise. There is no honor, there is no promised victory, it’s a losing game. Know that, the man is us, all of us every day, facing life’s greatest living-weapon. Time. It’s monstrosity, it’s cruelty, it’s injustice. We are all in the same story together. David versus goliath, hercules versus the gods, humanity against time. A game we are not supposed to win.

And so we say goodbye to yet another year. We take another step towards the beast. The beast that has been with us all along, it takes so much from us, with or without us knowing. While we are beings of heart, empathy and feelings, it is the exact opposite. It gives no mercy nor second chance, It ripped us off things we hold dear when we least expect it, it gives just to take back, it lurks closer than our veins, it brings upon tragedy without remorse.

And yet, Time brings beauty, time is the only reason why everything we ever have is meaningful. It’s heartlessness makes us understand the meaning of miracle. It’s limit tells us to appreciate what we have, and time, despite it’s savagery, let us heal from any kind of pain we befell to us. Time is irony in it’s purest form. It gives only to take. It erase to provide another chance. It kills so we know how to live.

So I greet you, my marching beast. If you are upon my door, I shall fight you yet again. Some days I lost, the others I win. The war has always been yours to win, but I will try to enjoy the battles I could win. One step at a time, that is how we all can survive. Because in those stories we’re in. There’s always the killing pebble, there’s always chores we can accomplish, there is always a way to enjoy the losing game.

Happy new year, folks!