End of an era

It’s not like I got the news late, it’s just I am too baffled to directly post your google image and personal opinion and condolences once I heard it.

Some might say that my reaction is a bit much. They can say what they like. But they must admit that in life, there are some people we never met but change our life much more than some others we have. For me, you are one of those people. You and the band takes huge chunk of the holistic reason why I do what I do, I write what I write, I think what I think, and the topics to my fascination.

Sure, you are no stellar example. Your life is not exactly the most virtuous, and you end it so abruptly. I am as much angry as I am sad for you. Don’t you know that there are many others who still need your saving? Hell, I might still need your saving in the future. Don’t you know how much you have changed the world, and how much you can still change it?

Sure, with all today’s idol who talked mostly about themselves and post funny stuff to run from the world’s inevitable bitterness, your work might not transcend the society as much as before. It’s the age of happiness, right? People want to be fooled by funny posts, cheerful tunes and joking heroes, while you talked about truth, about power, about harshness of depart and despair of disappointment. You have less and less room, but so do I! And yet I do not succumb, I chose to change. I changed because I know we have no place in this cheerful world, we have to please others so they will pay some mind to us.

Why can’t you change? Why can’t you accept, endure, and let go? You said to me that if you feel cold and lost in desperation, when you build up hope, but failure‚Äôs all you know, just remember all the sadness and frustration, and let it go. Years before that selfish, coming-of-age blonde makes the phrase so popular among preteens, you gave the words much deeper meaning. Yet you failed to do so yourself.

Maybe you’re getting too tired. Maybe I cannot fathom what you must gone through each moment of your life.

I guess now we come to this. This is the first time in my life that I actually lost an idol. Before the pop sensations, the gossips, and controversies, there were you. Screaming what you think was right into the mind of my generation, without banality of today’s celebrities. Thank you for showing me how to listen, and to see more than daily sensations.




Weapon of words

Does anybody actually read this?

If no one does, then what is the significance of this very sentence? Nobody has the answer for they are always too busy with themselves. I don’t mind much though, for I am always too busy with myself too. This writing is proof, as I do not read any others’ writings before crafting this silent protest.

And so I am baffled by words. It is a weapon if used correctly, but means almost nothing without proper attention. Whether my words deserve any attention or not, only the mass able to judge such.

“But the modern society is dominated by unthinking majority, am I wrong?”

Who is that? I wonder. Who pointed out contradiction in my mind?

“Come on, you’re too old to deny me now. It’s just how every mind operate. It counters every opinion, argue every facts, so that you won’t settle in banality”

I see, I don’t think I need to fight you much anymore. I just have to embrace that you exist, and you are the source of any doubt.

“I like that; ‘The source of doubt’, but I guess I do more than that, I am the reason why you keep writing despite you know these words mean nothing”

Now you’re being childish, this whole world never gave substantial meaning in the first place.

“Now you’re the source of my doubt”

God damn! You’re right! What are we then?

“We are the weapon, one that is waiting for its chance”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA… Now you’re making sense. We are still a slave to character, right? The degree of rights in each wrongs, Vice versa, only determined by the way I think. And I am that positive fool.

“It’s better like that. At least we can end this nonsense with a bang”

And a little smirk at the end of it.



I sometimes wonder, why do we need the others? Transactional relationships are more settling than unprecedented courtesy.  It makes conversations uneasy and reasons shady. I wouldn’t come to their  place, support their  cause, or promote their brand. I will do it if I am charmed by it, If I feel the thrill or infatuated by their works.

Yet as I grew, I understand I cannot be that apathetic. My father showed me through his life; I need to put myself out there, reach out others so they will vouch for me in the time of needs. That’s why I was there when they need me, I share and shout as a support, I give my best to their cause. It’s a transactional courtesy. 

Until the time comes, when I finally need them. My cause, my work, a day when I need them. And I see very few of them. Those whom I invested time and power in, people whom I gave some care, others whom I supported. I learned that courtesy are dying now. My father lived in a different time than mine. People don’t care. Even if you do. It’s the age of apathy, where everybody lives in fantasy. I have to be someone in order to reach anyone. And I am no one. Just a guy who tried to care. And decided to stop doing so now.