And today I was reminded. I can never lift your burden, as you can never lift mine. We are alone. We are always alone. We simply chose to be lonely together.
The afternoon scent greeted him with yet other insecurities. He is standing with a cup in his hand and atrocious voices in his head. Then he remembered what the young man said to him, “if you want to go there, you must have someone with you. It is so easy to get lost”
But he was already there by the time, he was already lost and forced himself to find answers. He learned that he must be tough, take the blame for the world’s merits, clap along with everyone else and never ever show signs of weakness. Insecurities are weakness. And so like usual days, he must fight off the voices inside his head and pretend like everything’s alright.
“Hold on to something,” he said to himself. “It’s the only way to keep the voices at bay”. But the voices tempted him with many things; frightening truths, beautiful sorrows, and sweet words. It whispered to him to let go of the air, “though you won’t taste anything anymore, you also won’t be hurt. You will become invincible!” “It’s never about the pain, it’s about how you live with it.” He rejected its notion. The enemy he faced is a tricky one, “I’ll be invincible because I will be lost” He must not lose. Not today, not ever.
“Be happy then!” “Everything’s working out for you!” He knows exactly what it means to be happy. A blessed life with so many great people surrounding him, loving him, supporting him, trusting him. That is when the voice grew even louder. In happiness, he is no longer aware, he put down his guard and kept losing battles without even him noticing. “I have no right for happiness because maybe it’s not the answer” “NO! Do not listen to the voice”, he screamed again and again to himself. “Hold on to something”. He could no longer find anything, He is losing the fight so he ran fast, faster than he thought he could. At the brink of the finish line, one thing he realized that he cannot outrun pain. It haunts him no matter how much he decided to care or how much he endured. He cannot understand himself, the only thing he understood is that no one can understand. Until he finally reaches that afternoon.
“Hold on to someone?” because there is nothing he can grasp inside, maybe he can try to let go all to her. But he must take his time. If he cannot understand himself, how can he expect anyone can? A happy soul to cure his troubled minds, an answer he found at the end of the afternoon.
But morning came with all its might. He could not remember what happened during the night. Did he lose the fight? Did he disappoint the residing light? Most probably. He remembered how the soul cured his troubles with her own insecurities, he remembered how much he cared. She made him stop caring about himself because he does not matter. He never mattered. He only matters because she made him so. For that, he was happy.
Every time he stared at her, he knew he was right. “Hold on to someone” he said to himself and smiled. But the voice who never left laughed despondently, “You are not going to show her how vile your mind can become, right?” “You will never let anyone bear your pain, because its the worse kind there is; The pain you cannot even understand”
He put down his cup to greet the morning back. It was a mistake to show her a fraction of his demon. It will never happen again. It is his fight, the one he must win every single day. It is the consequence he must bear for going to that place without a guide. He gained power, he gathered knowledge, in exchange for something he cannot fathom.
And so he smiled and said to himself “Hold on to something”
Of our own thoughts, our own urge and desire, even of our own fears.
Because there are forces within us that make us jump. Sometimes to fly, but other times to fall.
Then we know sinking is sometimes swimming when we know everything is close to nothing.