Desire

What is your desire? 

Yet another quote I stumbled upon. One that successfully made me recall all decisions I made, events that I plot to happen, and mundane achievements that I strive to gain. Simply, everything that makes me ‘me’ 

Looking at the picture I painted to create myself, most would say that I am a part of those overrated ‘creative’ community. I write to live, sometimes I design, sometimes I direct, sometimes I give creative opinion. But I am not those who actually believe in what they are making, not those who sacrifice their past and present for a dream of a future, not those great thinkers, dreamers or hustlers. 

Now that I rethink about myself. I found nothing I create meant something. It was all just a stunt; bunch of crap piled upon other crap to feed my past ego, childlish pursuits and worldly matters. I didn’t create artworks. They were just a bunch of polished replicas, mixed with convoluted plot that acts as a fireworks, and sometimes colors to make sure you will see rainbows instead of plagiarism. I am, and always have been a slave to reference. Originality is the furthest thing to what I am. I am mean and evil in my own work, trying to fool others by fooling myself, which makes most of the words deceitful and bland. 

I tried to be sincere. Believe me I do. I took risks, trying to masquerade myself with the glory of loyalty. ‘I shall stay by my compatriots’ said me to myself. But I am too full of myself. Empathy is an alien subject for me. Look how many ‘I’ I put in this writing! And so I return to my old self, chasing the world for the sake of myself. This time, I am bigger. I am no longer fragile. Yet still I am as weak and deceitful as I was. I still like to fool myself that I am making ‘artworks’, whereas what I do was simply entertaining my clients’ needs, trying to make them happy so they will be satisfied with my service. And so as I grow up, I didn’t actually defeat my ego. My ego simply transformed into something more universal. That meddling fucker called money. 

And so for those still living on the edge, or in the words of the great Bongiovi, Sambora and Child, ‘on a prayer’. Be proud. Don’t ever once let others, especially people like me, make you doubt your decision. Sure, people might won’t accept your works, they might even hate it. But its YOUR work. Its nobody else’s. If you stay sincere, eventually people will hear you. Because honesty is a language everyone can understand. And hardwork is how you can convey them. Don’t fall to the pit that I am in. A dreamer who caught up in his own dream. A failure who grew tired of his own idealism. A silent weeper who smiles every time he sees his works stomped and murdered. 

Syamara, 

Idealist turn words-for-hire

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